The one thing I needed

"Its a catastrophe, but its the one I need"

A good friend of mine recently had me read a short story about a couple who held on to a slowly diminishing relationship.  It wasn't until shit hit the fan when both parties knew that it was really over and they both had to let go. The story hit a little close to home and brought on a wave of emotions for me.

You see, the ex and I were this couple.  Annoyingly happy in love, totally consumed with each other which in time became comfortable and complacent.  When the first break up happened, it seemed like a long time coming.  The fights, the all of a sudden low patience with one another, the nagging and absolutely no quality time.  We all of a sudden had different views on everything.  So shit hit the fan in the worst way.  Like, THE WORST.  So we took a 6 month break before realizing that we were "meant to be".  There wasn't a day I didn't think of him.  There wasn't a night I didn't yearn for him...and he felt the same way.  So we gave our love another try.  A short year passed and we found ourselves at our 5 year anniversary.  And just like history does, it repeated itself.  An even nastier ending than the first.  I thought that it was the catastrophe that I finally needed to just let go and let God.  But it was also paired with a unbelievable heartbreak that I never imagined possible.  After a deafening silence, we were back in touch but not back in the grove.  Optimistically, I would like to be friends.  He knows me better than anyone and I know him better than he knows himself.  Who knows, maybe after I get back...we'll both be changed and can do this for real.

So the holidays came around and this year was harder than I thought it was going to be.  There was no Christmas shopping together..no tree lighting ceremonies..no ice skating rink..no duraflame logs and a great bottle of Pinot.  It was just us pretending that things hadn't changed when they obviously have.  Christmas day, feeling more like shit, I called him cos he was once the only person that could make me smile.  The funny thing about the person who can make your day is that...well, they can turn that shit upside down.  It was such a simple question from him...that probably meant nothing..but for me, it killed me. So that was it.  Two big blow outs and a selfish comment later and I go back into silence.

I look back on the two catastrophes and wonder why I couldn't be strong enough to walk away then, either time.  I guess I had hope that one day my knight and shining armor would get the fuck off his high horse and sweep me off my feet.   But this is real life honey, there are no fairy tale endings...so while our love is still greater than anything anyone will ever understand...he finally gave me the "catastrophe" I needed to be able to board my plane in 6 days and begin my new adventure.